Rain

I woke up sad yesterday. I blame it mostly on the rain. I was running to the bus stop and resented the fact that I was rehearsing my parent meeting in my head and trying to come up with the Spanish word for "test score" so early in the morning. I resented the weather for blowing needles of rain sideways into my face, and I resented the bus for being seven minutes late.

As I walked wetly to the subway from the bus stop I began thinking about the last really rainy day at school. My new boots had turned out to not be waterproof at all, so my feet were soaked, and there's nothing worse than squishy socks in wet shoes. So I took them off and told all the kids they could take their shoes off, too, and I was remembering the sheer joy and delight in their faces as they slid and shuffled around in their sock-feet. None more joyful or exuberant than N--. Thinking about N-- when he was in a good mood made me remember the first time he came up to me while wearing my coat and said, sincerely and matter-of-factly, "You know Ms. D, green really is your color. " And I also remembered the many times he said it to me subsequently, (also not shy about notifying me that my winter coat was an inferior shade of green that didn't suit me quite as well. )

And thinking about all that, and what he might be doing that day,and whether or not his feet were wet, made me even more sad. It's certainly quieter in class without him...

"I'm not in good shape today," I told Corky as we rode up, soggy, in the elevator, shuffling our attendance papers and sorting through mail. As I walked into my darkened classroom (it, too, was still asleep, with its jungle of chair legs pointed up at the sky) I felt some furtive tears escape without warning.

But my darling beloved co-teachers give such heartfelt hugs, it felt ok to be sad without giving a good reason. They understand about these things.

Knowing they are there makes it feel like there is more than just me up against this crazy world. The strength they bestowed, and knowledge that the kids would be waiting downstairs with penetrating eyes and always a tide of questions lying in wait was enough for me to pull it together. (You try to avoid showing them unnecessary cracks. It just creates more work for you.)

Predictably, the day went on as scheduled, as days have a tendency to do. Getting them started is almost always the hardest part.

I collected the kids and as we marched upstairs, I also saw my friend Vee with her troupe of tiny kindergarteners in tow, and she waved and smiled across the hallway. And I felt inspired just to see her, because I have never heard her speak an unkind word or say something that wasn't positive. And I remembered, ah yes, I must strive to be more like the people I love, the ones who bring light with them even on a rainy day.