Pity party

If you would indulge me, I'd like to take a brief dip in a pity puddle.

You'd think, the week before vacation, that I'd be in a fairly positive frame of mind, ready to coast through 5 more days of school and then punch out until Easter. The problem is, the week ahead is shaping up to be more mountain that molehill, and like most teachers this time of year, I'm feeling burnt - running on fumes, scraping the bottom of the barrel. I am the dregs of me.

Just logged a six-hour work session at Pheobe's. And while I got a lot done, there is, as ever, so much more to do... I feel torn, stretched, pulled in so many different directions - there is something of a cyclone going on inside my mind, various tasks and to-dos and don't forgets keep cycling through my brain. Items of Critical Importance keep coming and going, fading in and out of the forefront of my consciousness. I can't seem to escape from them. I am overwhelmed.

We're starting the much-anticipated and dreaded Test Prep unit tomorrow, which basically disrupts every routine I've had in place since the beginning of the year. I'm in the middle of data collection for my thesis, for which I must write a reflection paper this week, and my other grad school class has blithely assigned a group project, the most heinous type of assignment for its utter inconvenience with the added guilt that if you slack off and do the bare minimum amount of work at the last possible minute (which by the way, has been my M.O. for surviving all the grad classes so far) it affects other people who actually care about their grades. Then there is the matter of finding or making a darth vader costume for the pep rally, which is Tuesday (I'm realizing, or perhaps remembering, why most teachers don't like to take on extra assignments unnecessarily). Plus there are a thousand and one showers and birthday parties and other surprise events coming up in the next couple of months that I am intricately involved in trying to sort out while not spoiling the various surprises - who knows about what or is in charge of the planning and which life event we are celebrating when... just keeping track is a full time job.

And then there are these other things that just hang over my head like a cartoon raincloud - my horrifically overdue Americorps paper work, submitting timesheets for the two after-school programs that I both plan and teach, the filing of taxes right around the corner, "publishing" the kids' stupid newspaper, registering for graduation and the NY state licensing exams, buying new sheets and watering the plants, and trying to make my bedroom look like somewhere the Unabomber doesn't live, so my cousin will not be tempted to notify the authorities when she comes to visit me next weekend. Sleeping and eating feel incidental to all this other bullshit I have going on. And it's been a solid fortnight since I've managed to grace the gym with my presence, which might explain my debilitating lethargy today.

I feel like silly putty when you pull and pull and it gets so thin it's translucent, or maybe like one of those spin-art machines where the drop of paint splatters far and wide across the page.

When all of these engagements are pulling at my coattails, I find that I tend to "ostrich" away from some of them... there doesn't seem to be room for all of it in my head, so I kind of try to will it away - ignore it and maybe it will somehow get taken care of, perhaps a white knight will come or a reprieve will be issued, factory recall for a couple thousand agenda items.

Perhaps a more organized person would have like, a spreadsheet, a color-coded calendar of what to do when, deadlines and important dates and break-downs of what needs to happen when, an i-phone app to remind them about their well-thought out plan for the week. But what I'm also realizing is that I'm not, nor have I ever been, that organized or systematic or methodical of a person.

I'm always late, I procrastinate, I start things without finishing them, I bite off more than I can chew, I stick my iron into a lot of different fires and then run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I say yes when I should say no. I have ideas but lack follow-through. A person with more discipline and better time management skills would not even be typing this blog entry right now...

I know I have a lot to work on as a professional and as a human being. But I'm also realizing, part of me is kind of ok with it. Maybe one day I'll find a really great house husband who will cook and clean and file taxes and pay bills and pack lunches (not sure exactly what I'd bring to such a relationship, but a girl can dream)...but then again, maybe I won't. Either way, I get by. Maybe it ain't so pretty at times, but a certain level of craziness is also part of my me-ness. It makes me think of of the hilarious, whimsical series Walter the Farting Dog. Walter's greatest weakness - his potent farts - also turn out to be his greatest strength. Somehow, in bizarre and unorthodox ways, his farts always end up saving the day.

So I guess I'm kind of like Walter the Farting Dog. I might be inconsistent and distractable and punctually-challenged... but I'm also spontaneous and adaptable and creative and can think on my feet. I don't know that I could be some of those things without being the others.

And the other thing that helps me keep my chin up at times like this is the concept of "happy-ish," coined by a very brilliant soul-searcher/philosopher I know. The idea is that, okay, maybe there's a pothole or a rough patch, maybe sometimes you're sucking in exhaust on the Jersey Turnpike of life... but overall, all things considered is the trend of your life looking good? Do you like where you are and where you are going? Are you headed vaguely in the right direction? Are there little things each day that make you smile, and bigger things to look forward to on the horizon? Maybe today you feel irked or unhappy, but in general, in life, are you happyish?

And I'd have to say, despite standardized tests and group projects and taxes and data collection, the answer is definitely yes.