On being nice.

Another thing that I miss about Corky that I realized today was that she was my only single friend at work. Sunny, Henrietta and I stayed late again, right up until lockdown time, and they both came to my room which was congenial, especially since I usually feel like I am the only psycho who somehow didn't manage to get it all done on my preps and therefore has to spend five extra hours there on a Friday.

But anyway, quittin time eventually came, and I realized with immediacy that all my besties at work were going home to a live-in significant other who was eagerly awaiting their arrival and to celebrate the successful completion of the first full week of school. And I... wasn't. An uncomfortable knot formed in the pit of my stomach knowing I was headed home to a probably empty apartment. I like being around people, and it's especially hard to get used to being alone after spending a whole summer completely surrounded by friends and family.

Luckily, Corky hasn't left the continent yet, and in fact she's still right here in the neighborhood, so we are going to be each other's significant others tonight and I will go to her house and we will sit on the couch and drink beer and watch a movie, which is exactly what I would've wanted to do anyway, just not by myself.

You'd think by now I wouldn't be working working 11- and 12-hour days anymore, or at least not twice in a row... and the truth is I didn't *have* to stay and level all those books to get them out of the closet, nothing terrible would've happened if I hadn't. But I think I might've gotten used to working in that this way, the all-six-cylinders, running on empty, sprinting towards the finish line way. Everything always felt so close to the brink of collapse, so dire, such a monumental and colossal mound of work... it's hard for me to feel okay about just walking out at the end of the school day. I'd feel like I was shooting myself in the foot and that I would regret it later. But at the same time, one of my personal goals is to try and balance my personal life with my working life... up until now, my personal life was kind of incidental. It pretty much consisted of whatever I could squeeze in between meltdowns and deadlines and crises of faith. Now, having a personal life is totally manageable and conceivable, but I think I may have kind of forgotten how to do it...

But my reward for the day was reading another student's "letter to my future self," in which I was described as "really, really, really nice." And at first I almost took affront, since everyone always threatens new teachers by telling them that being too "nice" will most certainly spell their ultimate destruction and doom.

But then I thought, you know what? I am pretty nice. And acting like a grinch makes me feel like a grinch, and I don't like that. So I'd rather take my chances.

And I have more to say on the subject of coo-coo town, letting it all hang out, and embracing the chaos, but now I feel I should keep that promise to myself about trying to maintain a healthy personal life. So here I go.